Knock Knock!

A knock knock joke sketch. Caution: bad jokes.

SETTING: SHIP.
CAPTAIN (GERMAN ACCENT) standing on deck smoking pipe.
Enter SAILOR, running.
SAILOR: Knock knock!
CAPTAIN: Who’s zere?
SAILOR: Al!
CAPTAIN:Al who?
SAILOR: Alp us, the ship’s sinking!
CAPTAIN (to crew): Knock knock!
CREW (UNISON): Who’s there?
CAPTAIN: Mandy!
CREW (UNISON): Mandy who?
CAPTAIN: Mandy lifeboats, ze ship’s sinkink!
SAILOR 2 (offscreen): Knock Knock!
SAILOR 3 (offscreen): Who’s there?
SAILOR 2 (offscreen): Ron!
SAILOR 3 (offscreen): Ron who?
SAILOR 2 (offscreen, then runs through shot): Ron for your loives!
Enter SAILOR 4.
SAILOR 4: Knock knock!
CAPTAIN: Who’s zere?
SAILOR 4: Amanda.
CAPTAIN: Amanda who?
SAILOR 4: Amanda lifeboats, cap’n, now what?
CAPTAIN: Knock knock!
SAILOR 4: Who’s there?
CAPTAIN: Alf.
SAILOR: Haven’t we already had Alf?
SAILOR 3 (offscreen): No, that was Al!
SAILOR: Oh right, sorry.
SAILOR 4 (to SAILOR): You dipshit! (to CAPTAIN): Alf who?
CAPTAIN: Alfigure somesink out.
Enter SAILOR 2, running.
SAILOR 2 (to CAPTAIN): Knock knock!
CAPTAIN: Who’s zere?
SAILOR 2: Adolf!
CAPTAIN: Adolf who?
SAILOR 2: Adolfin just swam past, maybe it can swim us to shore!
CAPTAIN (to SAILOR): Knock knock!
SAILOR: Who’s there?
CAPTAIN: Vera!
SAILOR: Vera who?
CAPTAIN: Verare ve now?
SAILOR: Knock knock!
CAPTAIN: Who’s zere?
SAILOR: Nick.
CAPTAIN: Nick who?
SAILOR: Nickaragua’s right over there.
*CUT TO BAR, SAILOR SITTING WITH DRUNK*
SAILOR: Knock knock.
DRUNK: Who’s there?
SAILOR: Anna.
DRUNK: Anna who?
SAILOR: Anna that’s the end of the story.
DRUNK: Knock knock.
SAILOR: Who’s there?
DRUNK: Cora.
SAILOR: Cora who?
DRUNK: Cora blimey, as my Italian friend says. *PAUSE* (whispering to SAILOR) Knock knock.
SAILOR: Who’s there?
DRUNK: Gordon.
SAILOR: Gordon who?
DRUNK: Gordonice pair’o tits that bird has. (to WOMAN, sitting): Knock knock.
WOMAN: Who’s there?
DRUNK: Joe!
WOMAN: Joe who?
DRUNK: Joe fancy me?
WOMAN (indignantly): Knock knock!
DRUNK: Who’s there?
WOMAN: Paul!
DRUNK: Paul who?
WOMAN: Paul-eez!
DRUNK: Knock knock!
WOMAN: Who’s there?
DRUNK: Yuri.
WOMAN: Yuri who?
DRUNK: Yurilly don’t fancy me then?
WOMAN: Knock knock.
DRUNK: Who’s there?
WOMAN: Irma.
DRUNK: Is that a name?
WOMAN: Yes, it is.
DRUNK: Oh. Irma who?
WOMAN: Irma black belt in karate so you better watch out.
DRUNK: Knock knock.
WOMAN: Who’s there?
DRUNK: Ben.
WOMAN: Ben who?
DRUNK: Ben a long time since you’ve had any, has it?
WOMAN slaps DRUNK.
DRUNK: Knock knock!
WOMAN: Who’s there?
DRUNK: Abe.
WOMAN: Abe who?
DRUNK: Abet I’ll have you by the end of this night.
WOMAN punches DRUNK to the floor.
WOMAN: KNOCK KNOCK!
DRUNK (holding mouth): Who’s there?
WOMAN: SUE!
DRUNK: SUE WHO? You’re not going to sue me are you?
WOMAN: SHUT UP! SUE-INE THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE!
WOMAN leaves.
DRUNK (to SAILOR): Knock knock.
SAILOR: Who’s there?
DRUNK: Malcolm.
SAILOR: Malcolm who?
DRUNK: Malcolm real tough these days don’t they?
DRUNK leaves.
*CUT TO FLAT*
Enter DRUNK. FRIEND is sitting at the table.
FRIEND: Knock knock!
DRUNK: Who’s there?
FRIEND: Will.
DRUNK: Will who?
FRIEND: Will you look at that? What happened to you?
DRUNK: Knock knock.
FRIEND: Who’s there?
DRUNK: Don.
FRIEND: Don who?
DRUNK: Don worry, it’s nothing really.
*KNOCK ON DOOR*
POLICEMAN (offscreen, obviously): Knock knock!
FRIEND: Who’s there?
POLICEMAN: Paul!
FRIEND: We’ve had Paul!
POLICEMAN 2 (also offscreen): What’s he saying?
POLICEMAN (to POLICEMAN 2): He said we’ve already had Paul. So how are we going to get to Paulice?
POLICEMAN 2: We can pretend we’re postmen, and use Percy.
POLICEMAN: Percy?
POLICEMAN 2: Yeah, Percyl for you mate!
POLICEMAN: No, that’s stupid.. I’ve got it.. Mel! Then we can be Melkmen, geddit?
POLICEMAN 2: No, leave it to me. (to FRIEND) Knock knock!
FRIEND: Finally! Who’s there?
POLICEMAN 2: Tom!
FRIEND: Tom who?
POLICEMAN 2: Tomen in blue! The police! Open up!
FRIEND (to DRUNK): Knock knock!
DRUNK: Who’s there?
FRIEND: Dave!
DRUNK: Dave who?
FRIEND: Dave got us now, let’s jump!
FRIEND and DRUNK jump out of the window. *SPLAT*
POLICEMAN: Knock knock.
*PAUSE*
POLICEMAN: Knock KNOCK.
*PAUSE*
POLICEMAN: KNOCK KNOCK!
POLICEMAN 2: Who’s there Sarge?
POLICEMAN: Not you, them! Why aren’t they answering.
POLICEMAN 2: Knock knock Sarge.
POLICEMAN: What is it? Oh, who’s there?
POLICEMAN 2: Art.
POLICEMAN: Didn’t we have Art?
(voice offscreen): No, that was Al!
POLICEMAN: Sorry. Go on. Oh, right. Art who?
POLICEMAN 2: Arthink they’ve jumped down.
POLICEMAN: Knock knock!
POLICEMAN 2: Who’s there?
POLICEMAN: Den.
POLICEMAN 2: Den who?
POLICEMAN: Den let’s go down and see.
POLICEMAN 2: Knock Knock.
POLICEMAN: Who’s there?
POLICEMAN 2: Arnie.
POLICEMAN: Arnie who?
POLICEMAN 2: Arnied to go to the toilet first.
POLICEMAN (quietly): Be quick.
POLICEMAN 2: Nah, I didn’t need to, it just works with the name, see.
POLICEMAN (taking off helmet, and throwing it away): Oh fuck this, I can’t think of anything else.
Exit POLICEMAN.
POLICEMAN 2: Hey, but there’s still heaps! Annied to go too! Arthur lights on? Scott nothing to do with you! Alisonned to the radio this morning! Mikear’s broken down!
POLICEMAN (offscreen): Shut up!
POLICEMAN 2: Gladys the weekend! Harley ever see you anymore! Luke here mister! Justin time! Howard I know?
POLICEMAN: Shut up already!
POLICEMAN 2: That didn’t have a name.
POLICEMAN: I KNOW YOU STUPID GIT, JUST SHUT UP!
POLICEMAN 2 (to camera): Sorry about that, he’s had a bit of a hard day. Hugh know how it is sometimes. Alexplain later, just.. erm.. move on to the next sketch please..

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One Response to “Knock Knock!”

  1. Mike Says:

    First blog I read after wakeup from sleep today!

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